Keeping It Right

Keeping It Right is for thought provoking conversationist. It's for those who love to talk about today's issues, yesterday's history and tomorrow's future.

Location: Moreno Valley, CA

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fanz23 - I'll Never Love Again...

These past few days, months and almost year has been tumultous for me, I don't think I mentioned it on my blog, but after ignoring my doctors to watch my weight, eat right and just get off my butt. I was diagnosed with diabetes, at first type 1 and then improving to type 2. During that time, my marriage fell apart and caused my wife and I to separate. Although fault can be made for both parties, I took the brunt of all the blame and accepted my faults in our marriage. You see this was my third marriage and after marrying for the wrong reasons two times, I thought this marriage was right on..I made sure, the feelings I had for this woman were real and that she is someone I want to be with. And although, I was living off good intentions and what my heart wanted, my head and actions looked differently. I had issues that I didn't resolve from marriage one, and issues from marriage two that took my trust issues to uncharted heights. My fault not hers. But we all have a past and although mines might seem big to me, hers were bigger and although I knew of her past and pains, I tried not to dismiss, but I wished she would.

You see I love my wife and still do and after recognizing my faults for our separation, I made it a point to see if we could try again. If we could find what we saw in each other in the first place, which was enjoying ones company and doing things, we like..which are, if any hangin' with good friends and family. The first part has been difficult because my friends are in different states and hers at the time was in a different city.

So after accepting my apology and looking to try again, my wife and I decided to try again and this time, I was different, I wanted our marriage, I wanted her and didn't ignore her and most importantly, I love her immensely and without fault. So you can imagine my shock, when I was told that she wasn't happy. That she wasn't happy with her life and maybe, all the time she thought she was supposed to be married.

Maybe not.

I'm hurt and angry. Because of a litany of things, one, when I asked for a second chance, instead of looking at my health situation, and "feeling obligated, other words sorry for me." She could have said no, because the life she was living when we were separated was the life she wanted to live. This past week, I've seen that life and painfully, I don't know her anymore. Her whole demeanor has changed, she goes out practically everyday and she's living a life that is secret to me. And in that, I suspect other men are involved. And it's killing me. It is literally killing me.

All, All I ever wanted this time in my life was to be with a special woman, one who loves me despite my faults and quirks..I'm not unbending and I'm not stuck up to do things differently. I do have my morals and maybe those are unbendable.

I don't know, I just don't know. Where and what do I do now? It's obvious marriage is not in my cards, after failing three times. There's no way I could look at a woman in the eye and ask her to be my wife with three strikes on me..I want to walk right with God and now in just a few words..I'm back bedding down women to satisfy my sexual needs..Not for love, but to fulfill that need. I don't think I'll never love again...I don't think anyone will ever love me...


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